What is McFlys email address? and is Dougie from McFLY gay?

Name, Kate

Answer–

Kate Good question. I think that you must be friends with Izzy. Since you have obviously not read her question, the email for this Mcfly is mcfly@####.com. But Since you are also asking about Dougie, I’m assuming that you are asking about this Mcfly . Which is kind of disturbing to me. It is scary enough that there are boy bands at all, but a Brit boy band? That is over the top.   If you want to email that Mcfly go Mcfly and click on “contact us” in the left hand column. The answer to your second question is a little more complicated. If you mean to ask if Dougie is homosexual, the answer is that, although I know, I cannot disclose for legal reasons. If you mean to ask is Dougie “gay” in terms of the socially constructed derogatory (totally lame and effeminate in unnatural ways), then the answer is… absolutely. I mean, he is in a boy band.

Thanks for asking, Jake

Jake, need your input…

Forgiving any breathing and transporting restrictions, who would you place money on in a cage fight between the Lochness Monster “our underwater ally” and Falkor the flying Luckdragon from “The Neverending Story”? Thx!

–his mom wears argyle socks

Hmwas, thanks for phrasing your question hypothetically. However, at this point, it is no longer necessary. As hard as the International Wizards, Freaks, and other Dorks Society tried to keep the upcoming fight under wraps, word has leaked. It was kind of inevitable, given the amount of time that IWFoDS has been trying to arrange this thing. Part of the hold up was, as you correctly alluded to, because IWFoDS was still trying to secure funding for Nessie’s amphibious breathing gear. IWFoDS held a fundraiser on 4chan, but ultimately they were not able to purchase the aparatus.

To even the playing field (literally) they decided that the fight would be split into two segments. The first half will be held in a cage on dry land. The second half will take place underwater. In a fair fight, Nessie wouldn’t even survive the first half of the fight. Falkor can fly, has sharp teeth and claws. Lets be real, when is the last time you heard of a dragon getting flippered to death? But for this cage match, my money is going to be on Nessie. I just found out last night that the fight is fixed. Falkor is going to fake-drown 10 minutes into the underwater portion of the fight.

Apparently one of the IWFoDS freaks who organized the fight, pissed off a bunch of trolls during the 4chan fundraiser. As a result, the trolls threatened erase his World of Warcraft profile, if he didn’t arrange for Falkor to lose.

So there you have it: Falkor takes a dive in the second.

Dear Jake,

Today I read in my weekly tabloid that everyone can defeat the Devil if we use the same methods as Captain Kirk used to defeat bad guys in Star Trek. Is this true?!? Do you think that we could defeat the “Prince of Darkness” with space age style of tactics?

Sincerely, Tlohnierb Imim

Answer–

Wow! I never realized what a cool name Tlohnierb is! T– your tabloid is partially correct when they say that Star Trek methods could be used to beat El Diablo in a fight. The mistake comes in, when they claim that James T. Kirk is the one who has the skills to do it. Kirk against ‘ol scratch wouldn’t even be a contest. It would be like the time that Kirk tried to paddle across the living room with a wooden fork, he wouldn’t even make it half way before some kitchen of the sea fell out of his pants. Dr. Spock on the other hand, has all of the skills necessary to emerge from such an encounter victoriously. Being that Spock is a Vulcan, he is nearly immortal and is able to use the Vulcan death grip. This is a maneuver that the Beastie Boys so keenly observed is “like a pinch in the neck.” One swift pinch in the neck from Dr. Spock and the fight would be over. So, to answer your question, yes it is true that the Prince of Darkness can be beaten by using space age tactic, unfortunately us humans do not possess the ability to deploy these tactics. Those freakin’ tabloids love to stretch the truth.

Live Long and Prosper, Jake T.

Dear Jake,

The other day I was looking in my Dad’s palm pilot for a phone number and I saw something titled, “after I fell off my toilet.. I drew this”. I opened it and it was a rough sketch of what looked kind of like the flux capacitor? What does this mean? I am really worried about him. Should I confront him about it?

Sincerely, Looking For Rest Homes

Answer–

What’s up Homes? So you stumbled onto your dad’s little secret did you? Did the diagram look like this—> [¥] ? If so, I think that your dad may have been the one who invented the first device known to man that can alter the space time continuum. For decades, nay, centuries, humanity and science have been searching for a way to capacitate flux. Why? To travel through time, of course. Someone even made a movie about it once. It had something do to with Mcflys and damnhands, from what I can remember. The important thing to do now is see what your father’s intentions are, for wanting to capacitate flux. If they are benign, then you should just let him keep on doing his thing, cause hey, he is a genius. But if he plans to use it to take over the world or some crap, then you should probably have him committed. If you are still unclear about what the flux capacitor is capable of, here are some informative sites that you might want to study for reference. Article 1 (about the real thing)  Article2 (about some fake imitation).

Hope that helps, Jake

Dear Jake,

What is the longest word in the english language?….And how are the human circulatory system and lymphatic system alike? How are they different?

Name: Help Me I Pooped In My Pants!!!!

Answer–

Well, I hope for your sake that “Help Me I Pooped In My Pants!!!” is some sort of pseudonym. For convenience sake, I’m just going to call you Defecator. Look Defecator, don’t think that I can’t see what is going on here. You are doing your homework and instead of learning this crap by reading your text book about English Anatomy, you are asking me. Yeah, that’s right, I saw right through you. Normally, I wouldn’t help someone cheat on their homework, but I’m going to make an exception this once. First of all Defecator, make sure that you capitalize the “E” in English when you are writing your homework assignment, teachers are anal about this kind of stuff. I knew what you meant in your question when you said “english” with a small “e” but your teacher is going to pretend like he\she doesn’t. Ok, so the longest word in the English Language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovocanoconosis. It is 45 letters long and it refers to a lung disease caused by airborne particles. I’m going to make a diagram to illustrate the answer to your second homework question. Click here. Really, Defecator, it is a shame that I had to point the answer to that one out, I’m sure that your teacher was giving you that one as a freebie. It makes me wonder what the school system is coming to these days. But look Defecator, if you want to get some extra credit, you should make an argument that the answer to the question is moot because robot bodies are superior to human bodies anyway, then refer to this diagram to illustrate your point.

Take it easy, Jake T.

Dear Jake,

Do insects have souls?

Name: Cream Filled

Answer–

The simple answer to your question, Cream Filled, is no. But the ironic part is that soles almost always have insects. At least knowing that insects don’t have souls should make people feel a little better about finding insects on their soles.

–Jake T.

Dear Jake,
I dreamed the other night that I was hanging out with James and Lars from Metallica (it was totally awes) and I was still in high school I found Lars to be very charming with his slight German accent and feathery rocker hairdo. It was a shocking but inspiring experience.  What does it all mean?  P.S. BHS CLASS OF ‘95 RULZ!

Name: Bring back the man-perm!

Answer–

BB, Imma tell ya, you aren’t the first person who has told me about that dream. Do you think that you are the only one who ever read the August 1991 issue of Slay on! magazine? Yeah, I read it too, the story about Lil’ Jennica Hodgeson from Buttsmouth Arkansas who won the trip to hang out with Metallica on tour for a day. She described Lars in the exact same way that you did in your question. You do raise an important issue though. It is the downfall of humankind that we are witnessing on a daily basis. Men aren’t sensitive enough anymore to wear the man-perm. That is basically what it boils down to. If we could some how introduce the man-perm again, maybe men would revert to being more sensitive and we could all just rock out instead of blowing stuff up.

Get it?

–Jake

Dear Jake,

I went to my favorite oriental restaurant for a bite to eat last night and after my meal I received an odd fortune cookie, it said :”Tem um gato no meu prato”.  I was hopping you could tell me what it means, I take my fortune cookies seriously.

–Mizzriam Elizabeth

Answer–

Here’s the deal Mizzay, your question was a very complicated one for which I had to delve deep into my cranial cavity to find the correct answer. It turns out that long before the days of Confucius there was was Joao Paulo Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo. Mr. Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo was a bottomless pit of knowledge in his era. Apparently some of the metaphors used by Mr.  Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo were adopted by Confucius during his ministry. Some of the metaphors were not even translated from Mr. Dos Santos De Souza Batista Da Silva Carlos Domingo’s native language which was Portuguese. To make a long story longer, your fortune is that you have a cat on your plate, which is a metaphorical way of saying that you should beware of wooden nickels.

Thanks for the Question, Jake

Question–

Dear Jake,

Why is it that when I drop things they fall towards my feet?  When I was in space that didn’t happen.  Man I miss space.

Name: Armstrong, Neil

Answer–

Mr. Armstrong, I feel your pain. Unlike you, I have never been to space and had the luxury of having things just float around when I drop them. This happens on Earth because of the age old, Law of Gravity. Being somewhat of a political activist, I have actually been lobbying unsuccessfully for the last 15 years to get this law repealed. You might want to write a letter to your congressman about it. I am going to try to organize a picket next Fall in Washington. I’ll email you the details. In the meantime here is a poster that you can print out and put in your window to show support for the cause.

Question– How come the tooth fairy stopped giving me money and why won’t my teeth grow back?!?!?

Name: Tooth-4-Less

Answer-

Well, Tooth-4-Less, believe it or not, you are not the first one to ask this question. I actually had lunch with the tooth fairy the other day and it turns out that she never gave any money in the first place. Aparently she exchanges a punch in the face for the teeth that she collects.  But back in 1683, I guess a lot of parents were getting upset about the contusions and lacerations on the faces of their children after the tooth fairy would visit. The result was that when the child would lose a tooth, the parents started making sure that the tooth fairy’s entrance to the house was securely locked (the toilet seat down with a brick on top of it) and instead of punching the child in the face, the parents would exchange money for the tooth they gathered. The fairy told me that around this time, the teeth market started to go south anyway, so she cashed out and retired to the north pole where she now fills in for Hanky the Christmas poo when he is under the weather.

As far as your teeth not growing back anymore, you may want to look into something like this. You can hardly tell that they aren’t real.

Glad-2-Help, Jake T.