Question– Dear Jake…
I was watching Simpsons the other night when Homer posed an interesting question. Could God microwave a burrito so hot that he himself couldn’t eat it? What do you think?

Name: Sosj

Answer– Well Sosj, It is good to know that you are still watching TV. It seems like last time I saw you, you were still hiding behind the TV. PS, I really missed seeing you last time I visited. Seems like every time I’m in town, you split. It is quite clear that a burrito would incinerate before it was too hot for God to eat it. I actually wanted to try to do an experiment once too see exactly at what temperature a burrito would incinerate, just to make sure that the theory was correct, but then the handle was missing from the microwave, so I wasn’t able to finish the experiment. But I’m pretty sure that God could probably handle anything colder than about 300 Kelvin. Obviously the microwave itself would incinerate at a much lower temperature, so I feel like it is safe to say that answer to your question is no, but not because God isn’t all powerful. It is just because when you reduce him to using man-made Earth inventions, purchased with Earth Dollars, the premise becomes physically impossible.

Tell Homer if you see him, Jake

Question–

asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs

Name: Tyler Healy

Answer–

Tyler, I’m so glad that someone has finally raised that issue in the interrogative form. You don’t know how many nights I have laid in my hammock wondering asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs? When I finally figured out the answer, I thought that surely there must be someone else out there who is wondering if asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs? I was hoping that at some point I would be able to share the answer with that person. Tyler, that person is you. Tyler, the answer to the ever plaguing question of asdr;kjfhsoiugTYDs? is not one that can be articulated in words, like the question itself is. It is something that crosses medium into a visual realm. So, Tyler to receive that answer to your question, click here.

Question-

Jake, I have always wondered why don’t the American’s and the English switch driving sides. Either way would work, either driving side or lane direction. That would make the mailmans job alot simpler. “I know from personal experience, I drive a street sweeper. It has controls on both sides. Plus I am a government worker so I can drive on whatever damn side of the road I want.”

Name, Joe Jacobsen

Answer–

Joe, it is good to hear from you man! The answer to your question takes us back to colonial times. In the mid 1770’s, on the American Continent, there was a bit of a struggle going on in the New England area. All of the Yanks were hating on their British King and trying to find a way to get out from under his thumb. Back then there were no motorized cars. It was all horse and carriage on the road. There was no “right” or “wrong” side of the road. The system of driving back then was called Euromerge. This system worked by everyone just trying to all go at the same time in whatever direction on which ever side of the road they wanted to. A long with many things that carried over from Great Britain, the Yankees decided that the Euromerge system was totally retarded and decided standardize vehicular transportation on the road. They did this by creating signs and rules, one of which made it uniform procedure to drive on the right side of the road. Of course, as soon as the Yankees did this, the Brits, as with most things, has to copy, but put their own snooty British Eurotarded twist on it. So they decided that if the Colonists were going to drive on the right side of the road, then in Great Britain the correct side would be the left. The Brits still do this kind of thing in today’s world. For example, Americans brush their teeth, so the Brit’s don’t etc… As for the steering wheel being on the left side of the vehicle; blame that on Henry Ford. His parents were Irish immigrants (Ireland is part of the UK= under British control= Eurotarded). He obviously never delivered mail or drove a street sweeper.

Hope that answers your question, Jake

Dear Jake,

I know you know a lot of stuff, and this has been stumping me for quite some time, so if you could help me out I will greatly appreciate it. Please explain the attached souvenir magnet: Why might we see a begging, or is it coffee drinking, pirate in land-locked New Mexico? I could be completely off though- is it a pirate at all? Please put my mind at ease.

Thanks a million,
j

Answer–

Well matey, you aren’t far off at all. The souvenir magnet to which you refer actually depicts a pirate begging for coffee. He is the mascot of Buccannowhere high school. The small town of Buccannowhere was founded in the year of 1712, the year of the massive gulf hurricane season that lives forever in infamy as the one that flooded the majority of what we now know as the southwestern united states. The legend is that Captain Javabeard (named for his pungent coffee stained beard) was navigating in the gulf of Mexico when he became caught in a severe tropical storm and was pushed off course. So far north in fact that his ship finally became disabled and ran aground right in the middle of current day Buccannowhere New Mexico. When the floods subsided, the surviving pirates decided to remain where the ship had landed and founded the town of Buccannowhere. Javabeard was the first mayor until he eventually went mad when his raging caffeine  addiction could not be satisfied, as the last coffee grounds ran out. He shaved his beard and became a vagrant, roaming the streets begging for coffee. To this day Javabeard’s grounded ship stands as a monument in the middle of Buccannowhere NM. Javabeard will forever be honored, as the mascot of Buccannowhere high.

As threatened, the latest version of JKE is now up and running. It can be found here, or at www.jke.jakesnewblog.com. I haven’t been able to get the style sheet to work right in IE 7, but it works fine in IE 8, Mozilla and Chrome. I haven’t tested it in Safari. So if you are feeling up for some less-than-sophisticated reading, Check it.

dear all knowing jake,

for the last three years now, i have been on a quest to find the worlds best 99 cent taco. i have been everywhere. from tacobell to taco time to taco grande. but to my misfortune nothing has quite yet hit me as the worlds best. can you please help me in finding my cheap taco.
p.s. if you do find one, i share one with you.

Name:  paco ” loves his taco”  el dorado

Answer–

Paco, there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to look outside the bell, the time and the grande. All though tacos are good, what you should really be spending your 99 cents on is a kick in the taco. I know this awesome place where you can get them for just that price. They are pretty much the best that I have ever had. Check it out
So, yeah, if we went there, I would love to share one with you Paco. Peace, Jake

(throwback from 2005)

Question:

What are the Names of Neil Armstrong’s parents?

-Maria Gilbert

Answer–

I’m glad someone finally asked that. The cool part is that most people are probably thinking, “oh, Neil Armstrong, the one giant step guy,” but in reality, you are asking about Neil Armstrong, the famous electric fork inventor/maker. Neil was actually an icon of modern culinary evolution. The reason that the question is relevant, of course is because as a young boy in the 1800’s, Neil drew his inspiration from his parents, who were European immigrants who bought and ran a restaurant in Brooklyn. Both of his parents were excellent chefs and the restaurant was famous for it’s Mandioca Fries. It was this era that Young Neil, son of Electra and Forker Armstrong realized that unlike his parents, he had no skills in the kitchen. So he spent years at the drawing board and came up this this beauty.

10. Go early to buy as much dry ice as you can, before everywhere is sold out.

9. While you are at it, load up on eggs.

8. Write the name and telephone number of your defense attorney on the back of your hand, with a sharpie.

7. Sequins are always in, on Halloween. Better find a way to include them on your costume, if you haven’t already. The mo’, the mo’ bettah.

6. Go trick or treating early. That way, you can totally load up at of all of the houses that leave a huge bowl of candy on the steps with a sign that says “please take one.”

5. Rent some chainsaw movies.

4. Ask for extra ketchup packets.

3. After the witch’s brew is gone, put the leftover dry ice and empty 2 liter bottles to good use.

2. Might as well put all of those eggs ketchup packets to good use also. Why not? You have your lawyer’s phone number handy, in case you need it.

1. Watch some chainsaw movies to get warmed up for the real scare, on Nov. 4th.